HIGHLY CLASSIFIED. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
Dear Mr Assad,

This letter is to inform you that some time in the next two weeks, you will be the subject of a focused, limited and narrow attack by US cruise missiles in response to your recent alleged use of chemical weapons on your own people without our permission.

Here are some helpful hints to help you get through this no doubt uncomfortable episode:
- Send the wives and kids of senior government personnel to Beirut and Paris for a shopping holiday.
- Remove any chemical weapons from the map I have conveniently appended to this letter of potential bombing locations.
- Move in political prisoners to use as human shields and ensure maximum collateral damage and thus publicity value when we do bomb.
- Loudly declare your willingness to attend a UN-sponsored peace conference "under fair conditions", but don't lay them out in any detail. Skype call Bibi if you have any questions on how to do this. The Israelis are, as you know, the world experts in this field.
- Point out to anyone who will listen that, while there's no proof that you were responsible for this attack (even though we both know you did it), the US knowingly provided Saddam Hussein with intelligence while he gassed Iranian soldiers during the Iran-Iraq War, and we've not even so much as offered an apology to Iran, never mind to Iraq for the hundreds of thousands of people we killed in a generation of sanctions, invasions and occupation.
- Tell your broker in Beirut to buy stock in Raytheon before the attack is launched; the price is climbing quite nicely as we approach bomb date and there's no reason you shouldn't earn a little something for your trouble.

Hoping the events of the next few weeks aren't too unpleasant,

Sincerely,
Barack Obama
President of the United States of America

http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/opinion/2013/09/20139722259278623.html